


Eighteen but Still Eight

by inmyfelix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Sadness, Self Harm, Suicide, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 17:32:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17166257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inmyfelix/pseuds/inmyfelix
Summary: "My mind is run by an eighteen years old who just wants to die but can't leave the damn eight year old alone to destroy me more."





	Eighteen but Still Eight

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I'm sad again, welcome to my shitty writing

Felix paced the room with his hand tugging at his hair, hot tears running down his face. He finished throwing anything, everything he could at the wall, off the desk, to the floor. His lungs hurt from screaming and sobbing for the past hour. 

His phone lit up with soft vibrations on the bed, his attention turned to it. Notification from his calendar. He was to go with Jisung and Woojin somewhere today. He opened his messages and texted Jisung that he simply couldn't go today that his stomach felt unwell.

Seconds later a sympathic response came through.

_"Hope you feel better, we'll bring you something on our way back."_

Felix cried even more. Of course, Jisung would reply with that, instead of seeing if the boy wanted company. His eyes searched the room for something, anything. He found the small traditional toy Jisung bought him for his birthday and threw it hard as he could at the wall above his bed. 

"Felix?" 

Chan, shit. He had forgotten the older got off work earlier. He forgot he roomed with the older. Well, since Chan figured out what Felix was doing to himself he forced the younger to move in with him. Nonetheless, he didn't answer Chan. Instead, when he heard hurried footsteps come up the stairs he ran for the door and locked it. 

Jiggle of the doorknob and a bang on the door rang through the younger's ears like bells. "Felix, open the door!"

"Why so you clear my room again! Like you always do?!" 

"Felix I don't want you hurting yourself anymore! Just-" Chan rested his forearms on the door from where he banged on them earlier. "Just open the door, please." 

He had learned yelling at Felix only worsened things. He had tried to get Felix to open the door once before and didn't succeed in yelling. He had to call three other people to get Felix to come out of the room. 

"No. I know what you do when I let you in!" Felix yelled, moving far away from the door as he could, tears rushing down his face. 

"I won't hurt you," something clicked in Chan's head as the younger screamed on the other side of the door. 

"Lix, where's the bear Minho got you?" 

Felix stared at the stuffed bear that sat on his bed next to the cracked traditional toy. "On my bed. What does the damn toy have to do with any of this?" 

"I want you to hug the bear. I want you to take deep breaths and hug the bear. Please Lix?" Against his better judgement, he walked over and did as Chan said to do. 

There was something about the bear, something about the fact that it was given by Minho calmed the younger. It could be that Minho used to be Felix's old roommate when he first needed a home away from his parents, or it could be that one days like these it was Minho telling him these things instead of Chan. But Minho no longer was his roommate, no longer stablized his chaotic mind, no longer was the one calm him down with soft, concerned and stern orders through the bedroom door.

"Lixie, are you hugging? Are you breathing?"

Felix nodded even though Chan couldn't see him. His phone lit up again. He ignored it, tears stinging his eyes as the jiggle of the doorknob turned into the door opening with Chan staring at Felix with so much worry, concern and fright that he could have his own waterfall. Chan didn't bother looking around the room, it always looked the same when he forced entry to Felix's room. He rushed over and engulfed the smaller Australian in a tight hug and placed him on his lap. 

When Felix was able to talk he did. 

"I'm sorry I'm a shitty roommate. I cause you so much concern and make you always panic when I don't pick up the phone or anything." Tears started building up again he tried blinking them away but it only made them fall.

"Maybe that's why Minho's stopped being my roommate, being I'm hopeless." His voice cracked as he played with the small ears on the bear.

"That's not why Minho's stopped being your roommate, you know that." 

"I can't help but think it that way Chan! Alright? Some days I was a fucking eight year old and others I was a fucking suicidal eighteen years old who's only goal in life was to commit." 

Felix threw the bear at Chan getting up to leave the room. "If you want to leave, fine. Do the same as Minho. Leave me here to die with the rest of my things." 

"I'm not going to leave you here to die Lix." 

"Stop calling me Lix."

"Felix I'm just trying to-" before Chan could finish his sentence Felix was out the bedroom door and running downstairs. Chan jumped to his feet and flew down the stairs to stop Felix. 

The younger was searching the cabinets, and Chan knew exactly what for. He had been over this times before that they didn't have knives in the house. All sharp objects we're kept in a safe down in the basement. 

"Felix, what are you looking for?" 

"The key to the basement." 

"There's nothing in the basement." Chan walked towards the boy who turned around and slapped his hands away from trying to stop him. 

"Stop it, nothing's stopping me this time. Not you. Not Minho or his fucking bear. Not this time so just go to Changbin's or something I'm done. I'm through living here and I'm through battling with my mind." 

"Battling with your mind?"

"My mind is run by an eighteen years old who just wants to die but can't leave the damn eight year old alone to destroy me more." Felix spoke, throwing plastic spoons out of the small drawer they were in. 

"Chan you asshoke where's the key?!"

"No where you can grab it easily." 

Felix looked slightly above Chan. A small light bulb shining above his head as an idea as to where the key was came to mind. How to get around Chan was the problem he was cornered. 

"Let me through!"

"No!"

"If you let me live I'm telling everyone you harassed me." 

"Stopping you from dying is harassing you?"

"Yes now let me get by." 

Felix tried going between the older's legs but the pink haired male was quicker than he seemed. He wrapped his arms around Felix's tightly. The orange haired boy kicked as he was being picked up. 

"Let me go!"

"Felix stop squirming your going to hurt yourself." 

"Good!" 

Chan sat them on the floor in the middle of Felix's mess, he put his tired legs on top of Felix's energetic ones. 

"Chan let go!" He cried, his head against the latter's shoulder. "Chan please. Let me go. Let me die." 

"I won't let you. Tell me what happened. What's made you think this way again?"

Felix continued to try and kick. He tried scratching and biting at Chan's arms. Anything to let him free and back upstairs to his room. When the younger had finally calmed to a bit where he seemed like he was finally breathing instead of sobbing loud banging on the door came through the house and right into the orange haired boys ears. 

"Chan, you really called them? Why. I'm fine. I'm fine see nothing's wrong. Send them away! Please." He started kicking and screaming again. Chan eventually knew whoever was at the door, if it was important that they'd know the door was unlocked. Which he knew when he heard footsteps.

"Chan no! Send them away. Please I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. See! See nothing's wrong!" He looked everything but fine. His face was red, his eyes puffy and swollen as tear marks covered his cheeks. His hair was going every which way and his clothes had been torn during his destroying of his room and fighting Chan on everything.

Chan didn't look much better, he was already tired. He had tears down his own face as he held the smaller in a ball in his arms and legs. 

White shoes came in few before Felix was silent and before he knew it Felix was somehow pulled out of his limbs and into the arms of another he still had yet to recognize. Felix looked more, natural in the arms of the other who's face was buried in his shoulder mumbling something Chan couldn't pick out. A hand combed through the orange hair of the younger, the other around his waist keeping him close. 

"I'm sorry Felix. I'm so so sorry." The stranger began. The stranger mentioned something about a phone call. Only when the stranger pulled away to wipe Felix's face did he know who it was. 

Lee Minho. 

Felix seemed to calm down in his arms, but that could just be he had wasted all his energy on crying, screaming and fighting Chan. 

Minho looked at Chan shocked at how easy it was to pick Felix up. What shocked him more was the amount of newer looking scars seemed to cover the younger's arms. Who knew how many there were under the clothing. 

"What are you-"

"Let's just call it a miracle and leave it at that." There was obvious tension between the two olders. 

Once Felix was safely in Chan's bed the two cleaned Felix's. An argument rising. 

"Why is he so thin? Why is he so light?"

"He probably hasn't eaten much. He normally doesn't when these days start to come around."

"There are newer scars on his arms." 

"Felix hasn't hurt himself in over a month. Why are you hear? To lecture me on the 'job' you gave up? I wouldn't even call it that, you left him alone without notice before doing whatever the fuck it is your doing now. The only thing you left is that bear." 

Minho looked at Chan. "You're the one who called me. Felix was crying, screaming. Felix thinks I left because of him. Felix thinks I hate him. Obviously the bear isn't enough, and you think practically pinning the boy into a ball is going to save anything?" 

"It's better than doing nothing!"

"That's basically doing nothing!"

Minho and Chan hasn't realized they were yelling by now until in stumbled Felix rubbing his eyes the small bear in his arms and fresh tears down his face. "Stop fighting. Stop yelling. Stop arguing over who's right at solving my damn suicidal self." 

Silence. The boys acted like they were eggshells and they were. One wrong move and Felix could sprint downstairs again and do whatever he could before getting stopped.

You're probably wondering, why did they never put him in hospitality? Well, they didn't know but knew Felix couldn't handle it. 

"Lix," Felix stared right at Minho. No emotion could be found in Felix. "Come here." 

Felix met Minho half way across the bedroom before shoving his face into the older's shoulder. Hot tears staining the shirt, as warm arm wrapped around the small boy. 

"I'm here. No need to worry. I'm not mad, I don't hate you. I didn't leave because of you. If I didn't have to leave I wouldn't." 

Chan stood there wanting to join but didn't. "Felix please tell me what happened to cause this?"

The young boy shrugged. "Just one of those days?"

He nodded.

"What happened with the two this time?"

Two? This time? 

Felix lifted his head from the grey shirt before speaking. 

"The eight year old was happy until the eighteen years old started cleaning up something.." 

"What was he cleaning?"

Felix lifted his hoodie up to show a collection of scars and freshly made cuts along his hips. 

"Why did the eighteen years old do it." 

"Because he thought he deserved it. That maybe if he harmed himself he'd be better."

"Felix you don't need to harm yourself. You don't deserve it."

Felix had referred to himself and his happiness as an eighteen years old and an eight year old, knowing it would be easier to explain if he had it hidden in a way. 

"Tell eighteen years old that eight year old needs to be looked after, and taken care of." 

Felix grabbed Minho tightly again, it hit Minho that it was the last thing he had said before he left. 

"I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I'll room with you and Chan. Even if he doesn't like me."

Somehow Felix, eighteen years old and eight year old; Chan; and Minho were going to make Felix mind stable together. Either it's soft words through a door or soft words as he listened to Minho's heart beat. 


End file.
